“It can’t just be me.”

“What isn’t you?”

“My anxiety when driving around big cities like Los Angeles. I think the traffic here doesn’t match my sacred speed.”

“I’ve never heard anyone use that phrase before: sacred speed. That feels powerful.”

“I’m not sure we’re meant to go that fast. The world keeps running faster than me, faster than the way I can understand or pay attention. I’m finally accepting that this is okay. It’s just me and the way I move through my life; I call it my sacred speed.”

“What a lovely form of acceptance. I love the reframe and I’m going to remember that idea!”

“I know how fast I need to go. When I get on the highway, it never matches my sacred speed.”

This interaction happened over a decade ago (with a long-term client) and it still resonates with me most days. I’m grateful for their thoughtfulness concerning ‘speed,’ and it highlights the truth of healthy therapy: learning flows back and forth continually between therapist and client. Since I’m delving deeper into these concepts below – and the seed of these ideas is not mine – I want to acknowledge the sacred speed metaphor and my client’s wisdom.

Most of us struggle endlessly speeding around our day-to-day lives, seemingly on autopilot and without awareness (and sometimes emotions). Some of us wonder if we are even going fast enough. At other times we wonder why those processes and people around us are moving too slowly for us.

Over the years some of my conversations with clients struggling with moving through life and finding balance dealt with difficulty in meeting deadlines, being chronically late for important events, having a partner (or child) who doesn’t have the same sense of time that we do, aging and feeling of years going by faster and faster, worries around if we are “on-time” or on-track with “normal” life milestones, and frustrations of not reaching goals. And the pressures of time – which include both internal and external pressures – provide useful information on the speed we are currently travelling.

What would it be like to examine our own speed, and then discover for ourselves the sacred speed that is uniquely ours? The realization that we have our own speed limit can be life changing. Recognizing prescribed measures of how we meet deadlines and milestones in life may not be realistic or healthy for us gives us permission to find a different way to approach life. Finding equanimity in the value of a sacred speed can serve to cultivate healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

When we find ourselves in a struggle with our own frustrations, understanding there is a wide range of time and speed at which things progress is the first step in acceptance of our own agency in life. Once we can do that, we can extend it to others throughout our communities and world.

You might recall that when you were a child, you had a very different sense of time. Children have their own sacred speed, which can be quite different than the speed of adults in their lives. Plants in your garden have a different speed and time as well. The pace of change within systems can have varying speeds throughout the cycles of growth, decay, and re-emergence. Creative processes seem to live in their own dimension of speed all together.

How we interact with these varieties of speed may play a bigger role in our levels of frustration or distress tolerance.

I struggle with my own sacred speed at times. I notice judgement of myself for being ‘unproductive’ and binary thinking around task completion, and I get disappointed when the efforts important in my life remain unfinished. Since I usually have multiple projects going on at the same time, I have multiple versions of this negative self-talk throughout my life. More frustration leads to more pressure which leads to more self-recrimination, and the cycle continues.

Over the years of examining this pattern in my life, I’ve recognized some of the pressure comes from a society I live in where productivity is valued over process and relationships, and my hierarchy of values doesn’t match. When I can see this dynamic, I have many more ways to measure what ‘progress’ looks like.

For example, while writing an article I get to read many interesting sources and fascinating chapters in books. Sometimes I meet and discuss topics with brilliant colleagues who change my perspectives and expand my heart. I have had experiences which deepen my understanding of life and shift my understanding of the purpose of what I am doing to see this current project in the larger context of my life. When I can see all of this, then I have the enhanced ability to come back to the present task or project with a fresh heart and perspective. And repeating this entire process over and over again can be the ‘progress.’

From the outside, our own sacred speed may not look like progress to others. It is important to look at our own patterns to understand what our unique process is today. It also takes courage to honor a process when it doesn’t fit the values of the systems around us. In reading these words here you may notice that you are not alone when it comes to these struggles, and to provide you an invitation to examine your patterns and understandings.

Here are some explorations to try when you get frustrated, or when you’ve lost your sacred speed:

1. Get outside and outside yourself. There is good evidence that our perception of time is altered by our environment. Among the many benefits of strengthening our relationship with the natural world is that we can find our perspective immediately. Our surroundings provide an outlook on the present moment when we engage with nature. Perhaps your own sacred speed is more aligned with the natural world, whereas others may have more connection to the modern industrial society (traffic included). Integrating even 15 minutes a day of sitting mindfully in a safe outdoor space has proven benefits and will help you further explore what is important to you. Like discovering your sacred speed! You can start with a practice of a sit spot.
2. Contemplate and introspection. Examine your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If possible, you may include all the other aspects of your life, such as the interruptions, the ruptures and repairs of relationships, the reaction-response cycles we get stuck in, and anything else that feels significant. One of the best places to start is to look at some of the patterns in your life. Are there times when you were moving faster or slower than others, or your own expectations? You may examine certain life situations, milestones, or transitions. Usually, we notice self-judgement when failing to meet expectations. Career, financial, relationship, and personal goals are rich areas to explore. If you considered your needs for play, rest, beauty, connection, and creativity, what would you learn? How do insights from contemplation and introspection fit into the expectations and goals of life?

Understanding your sacred speed can be a form of radical compassion and a foundation for finding balance. Just like driving a car, your personal speed may accelerate or decelerate depending on the conditions of the road you’re traveling. Offer yourself the ability to adjust to life as the conditions change. Try these journal prompts:

• Are there times when you notice the speed at which you learn, move, or process things may be faster or slower than the circumstances around you? How does it impact you? What thoughts do you have about that? What feelings come up?
• With the pace of information and the demands on our human attention in this current society, what are the benefits and challenges to honoring our own sacred speed?
• What are ways we minimize and deny our own sacred speed?
• In what ways might we start the shift into honoring ?

3. Are they internal or external? When we examine our frustrations around the pace we’re traveling, it can be surprising. So, take a breath. Begin to slow down. Make lists of the internal and external pressures you’re experiencing. Notice the ‘shoulds’ and where those messages are coming from. A nameless, faceless they may have persistently become an external pressure which is now internalized. It can be helpful to notice societal pressures or norms which have become internalized. Maybe some items can remain on both of your lists. Once you have all this information, it will be easier to see what places in our lives we have more control or influence over and where we have none.
4. The relationship between the goal and the process? When we have a sense of urgency, we may get tunnel vision on the finish line. During the journey of life, it can be helpful (and relieving) to take breaks or pit stops. When we pause, we can more easily take inventory of our process, progress, and values. Ask yourself: Is getting the thing done more important than how you do it, or are they balanced more evenly? With personal relationships, it might be the opposite. Building safety and trust takes much longer than most people recognize, and in those cases, the process itself might be more important. This is often true in romantic relationships, raising children, and our efforts to learn new things. (You might say this is cultivating a relationship with ourselves.) Instead of spending energy trying to change other people, certain circumstances, or dynamics, we can change our perspective and attitude in the present moment. We can learn about our intuitive processes and find acceptance in the outcome. Even if we would like to change our external world, our equanimity must come first. Going forward, we can choose to keep using parts of the process, learn to modify others, and trust our instincts when we know which to leave behind. Here are some journal questions to help you ponder your process:

• Why am I doing this project?
• Who am I doing it for?
• Which of my own values do I bring to this project?
• Where might my values not align? Are my goals and values in conflict?
• Is this project process or outcome oriented? Which is more important: how this gets done or when it gets done? Or is it more balanced?
• Can I let go of some judgement, any unsupportive community standard, or ‘shoulds’ or ‘musts’ to get this done?

6. Natural consequences flowing? Many of us have a harsh inner voice which shows up before we truly examine the natural consequences of a situation. “I’m so lazy for not doing that thing,” often precedes “what would really happen if I did this later?” This is not to be confused with procrastination which is a behavior with its roots in anxiety. In fact, pausing to examine the natural consequences is a way to show up for ourselves instead of engaging in disconnected, avoidant behaviors. An honest look at what these are can help us make intentional choices and align our actions with our values.
7. What might I be able to ask for? For many of us, asking for help is difficult. If we grew up in a Western society, there are values of hyper independence, individualism, and judgement when it comes to asking for help. The reality is we are all interdependent and part of bigger networks or systems where the parts rely on each other. The act of asking ourselves “What are my unmet needs here?” can be another act of radical self-compassion in a world where “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is engrained into the work ethic and yet not literally possible. When we can list our unmet needs, we can start to open to how we might get those met. Take some time to contemplate the following:

• Do I need more time?
• Could I use an expert or someone who specializes in what I’m trying to do?
• Am I missing a tool or resource?
• Do I actually need to do this task or project, or do I need to step away or delegate it?

Identifying and being clear on what you might need or want helps us communicate this to others and can lead to the next question which is “Where might I get these needs met?” You may find yourself thinking right now, “Can I even ask for that?”

Find your sacred speed and try giving yourself permission to ask.

While you take a moment to consider these concepts and themes, you may find that it brings up more questions to consider. Like me, you may find that you revisit them repeatedly as they come up in different parts and times of life. If this is new to you, it may feel weird (or silly) and that’s okay. If it resonates with you, feel free to use it and share it with others.

May your own sacred speed be recognized and honored.

May you find support and compassion for your process.

May we recognize the sacred speed of others and allow for radical acceptance when our speeds are different.